Unconsciousness

Unconsciousness is a very hard word to spell.

Some people are concerned with time travel, why we're here, if there's a heaven...

I'm much more concerned with consciousness, more specifically, the lack there of.

What is consciousness? Who the hell knows. See that, that last sentence was a statement, not a question. I don't care who knows. In fact, if someone did know, deity or not, I'd be pissed, because they'd know before me.

Let's get back on track you muddle-minds. Consciousness. Why am I concerned with it? Well I'm on a quest to will myself into severe, irreversible depression. I'm doing a pretty good job now, but for me to really lose it, I need to know what consciousness is. Once I know that, I can take the inverse of the reciprocal and figure out what unconsciousness is. Cause right now, I'm pretty sure unconsciousness is Zen - more on that later.

Let's get you all up to speed on how consciousness is the last piece in my emo puzzle. First of all, here are the facts:

• Everything in the universe (including us) is made up of particles
• These particles follow a set of rules, these rules escape scientists now, but there are rules governing these particles nonetheless
  
• Since we're made of particles, we follow these same quantum rules

Right now scientists believe that the motion of quantum particles is based on probability, some think that we just don't know enough and that probability isn't a factor. Point is, everything is a big predetermined physics equation. Even if it was probabilistic, we still don't have any control, and why would we?

I'd like to think this is all wrong. And by-golly, we definitely don't have near enough information to prove it, but the trends are pointing this way. So we're not in control, we don't really make decisions. Everything is planned out already, we just think we're in control. Kind of like a really good con.

Here's where consciousness comes in. What the hell is it? I mean seriously? How come I have it, but I'm pretty sure a rock doesn't. Also, when do we get consciousness? And if you don't remember having it, did you really have it then? I have an infinite number of questions on the topic. The key thing here is, consciousness is what you and I make decisions with. If consciousness is outside of the particle rules somehow, then maybe, just maybe, we have free will.

I highly doubt it.

"Enjoy the ride," I say. We're all on a big roller coaster. No control whatsoever. We can either like it or not. But then again, do we even get to make that decision?

So that's why I'm depressed. Of course it was meant to be and if I stop being depressed, that was meant to be as well. Well, unless it wasn't.

I've run out of time. I'll get to unconsciousness next episode.

Until then, don't jump.

Well if you do, you couldn't help it, well, unless you could have and if that's true, then you had no reason to get depressed in -

I need to stop, see ya.