Face It

Why does just about everything have a face?

Worms don't have faces, but ants do. So do spiders and bullfrogs. My cat has a face, so do I. Fish have fins, one big body and no arms or legs, but they have a face. Why have faces stayed while everything else evolved away? Also, why are the big three always close together? I'm talking about the eyes, nose and mouth. And how come symmetry always split us down the middle with two eyes and two nostrils, but just one mouth?

I know you've all been asking yourself these questions. Don't worry, you've come to the right place. I have the answer and its quite simple really. Especially when you have a background in Cellular Evolution like I do.

I guarantee that after this lesson, you won't be wondering any longer. So, let's get started.

One of the earliest animals to have eyes was the Planarium. Its eyelets could only detect levels of light, but it had two of them nonetheless. The Planarium survived well because it was able to detect dangerous beams produced by the sun or the headlights of a car, the latter of which gave it the nickname "Flatworm". The Planarium eventually evolved into a fish, which became a pig which begat a human after interbreeding occurred between gorillas and pigs during the Cretaceous period.

Now I know what you're saying "Ok Anton, that makes sense and all, but you still haven't explained why everything has a face". Don't worry, I'm getting to that.The Planarium succeeded where its brethren failed. You're probably thinking the planerium was the first creature on Earth, but that's where you're dumb. You see, the planerium wasn't the first mammal, it was the second. The first was known as the Genisus Exodus. It had no eyes, no nose, no everything. The Genisus Exodus came to Earth on a comet from somewhere in the Alpha Centuri Galaxy around the year zero. This mother of mankind gave birth to four sons: the Planarium, the Sidus Chompus, the Sniffallus Seenwuns Seentweyes, the Lissinupus Bleyendus the Big Lippus and the Little Lippus. Make that five sons, and a daughter; it's easy to forget Little Lippus.

The Planarium was the oldest of the Exodus boys. Second oldest was Sidus Chompus. How come creatures today didn't evolve from the Chompus? Well it's simple to see. The Sidus Chompus had one eye and one mouth on the right. This would cause it to spin in circles when trying to capture a meal like a bird or a gopher. Even if the Chompus was able to gobble something up, it would immediately vomit from all the spinning. Sadly, the Sidus Chompus died from starvation.

Third oldest was the Sniffallus Seenwuns Seentweyes. With an eye in the front, an eye in the back and nostrils all around, he was more equipped than both of his older brothers. The only problem was he never knew where he was going or in what direction he was smelling. Perspective wasn't discovered until the late 18th century so he had no idea he was headed toward a cliff. In fact, he thought he was escaping from it. Sadly, the Sniffallus Seenwuns Seentweyes died from Tuberculosis.

The Lissinupus Bleyendus had a large vestigial ear. Which meant that its ear was the entranceway to its body. It used this ear to consume sound like bats do today. Since only Sidus Chompus had a mouth and he died early on, there was no sound for Bleyendus to swallow. Without any sound to eat, the Lissinupus Bleyendus died from starvation as well.

Big Lippus had big silly lips. These covered his whole body. He died from ridicule.

Little Lippus on the other hand had cute little lips. The only female, Little Lippus spent most of her time shopping for cute nano outfits. I don't remember what happened to her actually. Honestly I don't think I attended that lecture.

Well anyway, as you can see, only the Planarium survived... And maybe the Little Lippus, but no one else. I think the Genisus Exodus died from Botulism or something. So there you have it. We have faces like the Planarium because it evolved into us at an alarming rate.

If you have any other questions, Biology or otherwise, just let me know in the comments. I'll try to get around to all the questions. As you can see I get so many comments the counter reset to zero.

So what was Anton Beza doing today? Dissolving the face mystery.

College vs. Anton Beza: The Eternal Struggle

Well, I'm a genius.

It only took me like three months, on the second to last day of class to discover that I don't have to park a mile from the campus. In fact, free parking goes into effect at 5, just about the time I get to school.

So next week I can park on campus. One time. Lucky me.

Speaking of campus, let us chat about my school.

Before I was accepted, the first day I came to school, I saw a kid outside, by himself, giggling and chasing a squirrel. I don't think he realized that I was watching him terrorize the wildlife, but at the same time, he was so content, the cognizance of my presence probably wouldn't slow him down. This was my one warning.

Later, I found out I got in. So I went to the orientation against my better judgment. Orientations are dumb. You just walk around and listen to (most likely) made up facts for about three hours.

Well this orientation was much different. First of all, I got my acceptance letter pretty late. So I signed up for the orientation late. Then when I got to the orientation, they didn't have a name tag for me. Everyone treated me like it was my fault. So I got a hand drawn name tag to set me apart from everyone else. After that, I went into a fancy auditorium.

After some speech, they decided to break us up by program and take us on tours. Keep in mind that I got accepted into the Human COMPUTER Interaction program. Keyword: Computer. So they started to split us up by field. Logically, I went with the Computer Science tour guide. The tour took us all over the campus where we learned a myriad of unbelievable facts. We also learned that someone had committed suicide on the campus the day before. That wasn't part of the planned tour, but one of the tourists asked about it, and the guide divulged. When the tour was over, they took us up to the Computer Science Department for lunch.

When we got into the Comp Sci offices we were greeted by the secretary. She looked at our name tags and matched them up with her list. Then she got to my handwritten, stand-apart name tag. She didn't even bother to check her list. She looked me in the eye and said, "I don't know you".

This was quite a confusing response as I was sure that she didn't know any of us. This was our first time there, it was orientation after all. She stayed staring at me like that for a few more seconds. "I was accepted late," I said, trying to break the silence. Without explaining or reassuring, she said, "Come with me." I followed her into another office where she picked up a phone and started calling someone.

Meanwhile, I'm standing there just outside the office with the rest of the people in the Comp Sci program. All of a sudden, this kid starts speaking to me in Russian. I assume he asked if I speak Russian, in Russian, which to me seems like an odd way to discover my language capabilities. I said I didn't know what he was saying. At about that time the secretary came back to save me from my peers. "You're in the wrong group," she said. "You should have went with the Communications tour."

Excuse me for thinking that Human COMPUTER Interaction would have something to do with COMPUTERS like it does at the other schools I applied to.

So she had some guy take me over to the Communications Department. The people there were great and a lot less socially non-functional as the Comp Sci people.

School was going pretty well after that, until I got the bill. I was told it would cost me around $6,000 a semester. This was good cause I had around $6,000 at the time. But, when the bill came it said I had $8,000 due in two weeks.

Two weeks is a really short time to get a loan. I didn't know what sick joke they were playing. I started asking a bunch of questions and finally, after getting a loan and accepting the fact that I'd have to pay an unjust late fee I found out that the bill was fake.

Yes fake. Guess when I found this out? The day the bill was due. Turns out the computer had a HAL moment and decided to send me a fake bill in the mail. In fact, they weren't even sending the REAL bills out for another week.

Most recently, I discovered I had a medical hold when I went to sign up for classes. I found out they needed a physical from me. I never got anything in the mail, and I'd already been at the school for two whole semesters without a hold and without a physical.

So I got that taken care of just in time to incur a late fee.

I'm in class now and it's going to start in a few minutes.

So what was Anton Beza doing today? Reminiscing great college moments.

The Out of Class Out of Mind Effect

I don't want to be doing this right now.

It's not just psychological, my whole body protests. I get ill, I shake, I can't sit still, I have to get up and walk around. Every time I get down to do it, my mind escapes me. It runs away. It's like trying to bring similar magnetic polarities together. I get close to the computer and my thoughts are gone, they shoot across the room in the opposite direction, slam into the wall and slowly slide to the floor leaving a ugly trail of thought-blood. I hate homework.

Is it just me, or did all the greats drop out of school? Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Steve Wozniak... All of them, supremely rich drop outs. I'm still here though. Signing up for more dumb classes. In a field where the giants got out from behind the school desk as quick as they could.

I can't focus on this. "What is so bad Anton? What is your homework assignment?" you ask. Frankly, you don't want to know.

Ok.

I'll tell you.

I need to pick a venue (some call for papers), write a journal article, and prepare a presentation of my work. This is all one assignment mind you. Yes, it's probably not that bad. There's just other things I could be doing. So now I'm going to discuss

WHY HOMEWORK STUNTS SOCIETY
The Out of Class Out Of Mind Effect

When I get a homework assignment I don't want to do it. But, since I have one, I can't do anything else. I could be doing something productive, but no, I need to work on this assignment. So I sit down at the computer and I stare at the screen for about 8 hours shaking, without a thought in my head. I accomplish nothing at all. But I can't do something else, I have this damn homework assignment to do.

So, instead of finding the cure for cancer in my free time (which I'm on the verge of by the way), I just get sick for a week sweating and convulsing at my keyboard with drool oozing down my chin. It's impossible to do homework until it's about four hours before the assignment is due. At that point your thoughts come running back, ready to go. They won't return until that time, no matter what.

If you think you can start an assignment early so you don't get an ulcer like you did last term paper, you're wrong. It's a physiological impossibility. The human body is not designed to accomplish things in advance.

What proof do I have? Human gestation. The baby develops the most in the last few weeks. It starts nine months out, but really doesn't get going till the very end. Just like me and my assignment. I thought about stuff in the beginning, but if I ever even dared to put something on paper, my brain would give out and I'd crack my skull on the desk.

Imagine if Rosco Plaidsbuck didn't have homework. "Rosco Plaidsbuck?" you ask, and you're exactly right. Who is Mr. Plaidsbuck? Well simply put, he almost invented a little thing called the Beer Compressor. Why didn't he? Homework. He had to write an essay on liquid compression in a 4-dimensional Klein Bottle. He was only hours away from finishing the first construction of the Beer Compressor, but he needed to finish his essay. So he put this invention on hold for a week. If he didn't have the assignment, he'd probably have his brain working, but it turned off as soon as he sat down to write his paper.

He didn't even notice that his cigarette had fallen out of his mouth and into the trash can. His home, himself and most importantly the Beer Compressor were destroyed. All because the homework knocked the thoughts out of him.

So next time you have trouble carrying a 30 rack because it's not in a pill format, remember what homework did to Rosco Plaidsbuck.

Homework stunts society and it should be vanquished.

So what was Anton Beza doing today? Not the homework due tomorrow, that's for sure.

If I Ain't Dead Already Ooh Girl You Know the Reason Why

It's that time of the life again.

Bill Gates got married around 40. He put his career first. He married an employee of Microsoft. Do I want to be Bill Gates? He has around $56 billion. He has a huge house. The world knows who he is. He's making a difference. History will remember him. He got married around 40. He put his career first. Do I want to be Bill Gates?

I kind of like the idea of the young family, struggling to get by. It's a much more interesting story than, "I made a lot of money, found some other person with a lot of money and had kids when there was some free time before I died." The struggle builds character. I don't want everything so bland and boring.

Although, it's nice to be single. You don't have to worry about anyone. Ever. You have a lot more money to buy video games to play by yourself. Or more time to sit alone and think. You never lose an argument. Your opinions are always right. It's great.

Maybe I should get a girlfriend, but I never want to pursue.

The problem is I've never wanted anything. I used to think it was a virtue to never want. Then you can focus on other people and make them happy. But in the months I've spent alone, I figured it out. It's actually obvious, people want to be wanted. I never wanted anything enough to fight for it. If I was in a prison camp, I'd give everyone else the food. I'd die in a survival of the fittest.

I whole-heartedly believe that if you want something more than everyone else, you'll get it. No matter what it is, a new job, a good grade, a relationship. If you want her, go out and get her. Simple as that.

The only problem then is the wanting. I see it as a weakness to say you want something. Whenever someone says they want something, I think less of them. It's getting to be a problem. Even Bill Gates wanted. He just wanted different things than I do.

I'd definitely take a good relationship over being famous. But then again, I like girls who want to be famous. Lucky me, I can have my cake and share it, too.

I've never pursued, but its time to humble myself a bit and go after someone. Yeah, it's embarrassing to be at a girl's mercy and they know it, but that's how it's done. That's how you win them over. The suave aren't egotistical, they have a weakness: the fairer sex. That weakness is attractive. Girls like being the lion tamers.

Well what a sappy day.

So what was Anton Beza doing today? Being a lame kitten.

Get Excited

Sorry I've been blagging.

Of course you've already pieced it together. Lagging in my blog. You must be curious. I mean if heard from someone everyday on a regular schedule and then all of a sudden I didn't hear from them for a bit; I'd be curious. What could I have been doing? It must have been something big since I didn't have time to pitter-patter across the keyboard.

Take a deep breath.

We're going to do this dramatically.

Tuesday, November 20th, 4:32PM - 420 Madison Ave, Albany

Nothing's on the calendar today. Out of the whole month of things to do. Nothing. I think I'll check the blog. See if someone's commented. What do you know, one comment. Mom? Sam again? Hans, I told him I was writing one, but would he check it?

Karen? I haven't talked to you in a long time. I wonder if you're online. "It's been ages."

Tuesday, November 20th, 9:17PM - Redwood Lanes, Albany

Where are they? Always late and it was there idea to come. This place is packed and - oh that's Maria and Michelle. I see them all the time. Good, they saw the wave, but they're not coming over. It's not rude, you just don't have anything to say. It's always awkward after "Hi". I wonder if that's true for every - they're here.

Tuesday, November 20th, 11:38PM - Central Ave, Albany

Why am I always so obviously upset around people? Maybe I'm not. It was nice to see Dan and Karen again. Even if it was at a bowling alley that didn't work. Bowling is a tricky beast. I wonder if I got cholera from the ball? I like cholera, well the sound of it. "I think I'll join the National Guard." He probably said that cause he saw the sign for that National fence company. "Did you say that cause you saw that National fence?" "No, I saw the building for the recruiter." It's not okay to hurt another child. You have to wait until they're an adult.


Wednesday, November 21st, 3:53PM - Schenectady

"Look for me in the ditches."
"I don't get it..."
"Never mind its a joke."
"In the dishes?"
"No, in the ditches."
"Huh, oh cause you'll be drunk."

Wednesday, November 21st, 8:04PM - 420 Madison Ave, Albany

Keeping my cool pretty well. Kind of being a jerk. It's easier. Once the bull finds out he can knock over the fence, he doesn't stay enclosed. She says "I hate" far too often for me to believe her. I tared it out of her vocabulary. I don't think I've called her by her name yet. Amy. We were introduced without ever meeting. Since she was the only new person in the apartment, she must be Amy. Since I'm the only other person in the apartment besides Hans. I must be Anton. No need to shake and stare.

Wednesday, November 21st, 9:32PM - Lionheart Pub, Albany

Oh hey, that's Stacey, and there's Matt. How did they get on that side of the bar? They must have walked by. Sneaky. Time to tarnish my reputation. My nature is probably a billboard, who am I kidding. I haven't seen anyone that I can name from High School. Number one night to go out my ass. I'm glad Niko came. I really can't drink quickly. My ancestors must have been accustomed to checking for poison. Nope it's just you.

Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, 1:28AM - North Pearl St, Albany

Well I guess I'm not going to get to see Steve Buckley. Got to see that bearded guy he played basketball with at the Y. Still don't know his name. I probably should stop convincing people its a quick walk down here. It's like a mile long. I think that when some of your party needs a piggy back you should realize you need to call a cab. Where is everyone? Well I hope they had a good time. I hope they don't hate me for the walking. People always get mad about walking. That explains why there's a war over gallons of dead plants. If only recently dead fish were valuable. I'd be a millionaire.

Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, 9:15AM - 420 Madison Ave, Albany

Niko's gone. Hans is awake. We need to go.

Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, 6:17PM - Beza Residence, East Greenbush

Whose voice is that? And that? Two new voices. So tired, why are they here? I didn't even have any turkey. Maybe they work with Mom. Why would they come here on Thanksgiving its a family holiday. Where's Hans. Ugh. "Anton come say 'Hi' to Melissa." Melissa? I think I have a cousin named Melissa.

Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, 10:28PM - Spectrum 8 Theatres, Albany

This is epic. The Coen Brothers are amazing. That guy has to be the devil. He has no past, he just kills. I wish I could understand Tommy Lee Jones. His Texan accent is so hard to decrypt. I missed the whole intro cause he just rambled on about something. Rambling is always the most important part in movies. They put it they're when they want it to be dramatic. Problem is, this is a movie. Charlie Chaplin got it right. Its not the medium, its the content. Oh my god. Epic.

Friday, November 23rd, 12:42PM - 420 Madison Ave, Albany

Get Excited.

So what was Anton Beza doing today? Reliving.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I changed the template. Let me know if it's more readable.

What a Day

I went bowling.

Figure out your own lives. Stop reading into mine.

Seriously.

More tomorrow.

So what was Anton Beza doing today? Why do today what you can put off till the next.

Suspiciously Coincidental Idea Theft or "Scit" for Short

In the beginning there was Stick Stickly.

When my sister Sam and I were younger we often tested our dexterity in Thumb Wars, Nickelodeon was our station of choice and times were simple. During one war we invented a new move which we cleverly titled the "side-kick". I didn't know the term "double entendre" then, but our side-kick definitely fit the description. You see the side-kick was a special move in that your index finger popped out from side of the rigid Thumb War grip and proceeded to help your thumb in a kicking fashion. But, at the same time, your index finger was a side-kick to your thumb. Oh how clever we were back then. What great times they were.

Well at least until we saw Stick Stickly on Nickelodeon all those years ago.

You see Stick Stickly was holding a Thumb War of his own, down in Florida, the home of Nickelodeon. Stickly's Thumb War was some time after our "side-kick" conception and some number of a hundred miles away. Nonetheless, Stickly showboated his invention of the "side-kick" maneuver. Same name, same technique. Seeing it, uncredited on cable television destroyed me. How could they have known? Were they inside my mind?

And that leads me into tonight's topic: Suspiciously Coincidental Idea Theft or "Scit" for Short.

How could Stick Stickly have come up with the exact same name, the exact same maneuver within the same time period for the same finger sport so many miles away from my New York abode? It was suspiciously coincidental. A suspiciously coincidental idea theft. Scit for short.

I'm sure this has happened to you before. There's a conspiracy going on. I'm sure you've seen something on TV that you came up with before, but never capitalized on. Or you heard a commercial on the radio played out exactly how you would have played it out. It's happened to everyone. There's more to it, I know it. I can count the times when it's happened.

Like when I used to work at the University Help Desk. I was cleaning the desks with Lysol wipes and I saw that Lysol kills 99.9% of germs. "Kills 99.9% huh? That must leave 0.1% of a super germ strain!" I said out loud jokingly.

My boss didn't find my statement the least bit funny, "I said that the other day. That's my joke." I told him I never heard him say it. Little did we know at the time, but we were both victims, victims of scit.

Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again. A great man said that once. But there's more to it. Cause I was tricked once with the Stickly incident and again with the Lysol occurrence. That's not all. There was a third time, and I'm not going to "get fooled again".

Last night I was watching the deleted scenes from The Office on NBC.com. Now I watch things at night to help me fall asleep. The problem is, if what I'm watching is good, I'll stay awake till it's over. If it's bad, I'll watch something else. It's a great prison I make for myself.

Back on topic.

So I'm watching the The Office deleted scenes. There's an episode from a week ago called "Survivorman" where Michael tries to survive in the woods. Meanwhile Jim tries to kill the Birthday custom back at the office. In one particular deleted scene, Angela talks about how there are so many Birthdays that month. Hold on to this info cause I'm going to go in a different direction and bring it back for the finale.

My Birthday is in October. I have a weird obsession with minute similarities. I like girls that are born in the same month as me. I dunno why. I always have, even girls whose personalities clashed with mine like Bellerophon against the Chimera. Then one day, I found out, on Wikipedia or something, that October has the most Birthdays out of any month. This was a plus: more fish more me, but at the same time I thought a bit beyond my romantic minutia. Count nine months back from October. February. What holiday is in February? I did all this thinking about two weeks ago.

Back to The Office deleted scenes I watched last night. Angela was sitting there talking about how there are so many Birthdays this month. Then she says "Count back nine months" and some subtle hint about Valentine's Day. The point is I came up with this two weeks before I saw the deleted scene. Something's afoot. Something foul.

So who wrote the "Survivorman" episode of The Office? None other than lead actor Steve Carell. Carell has only written one other episode for the show, "Casino Night". It's another one of my favorites. Steve and I are linked through scit. The two of us are in the middle of this worldwide conspiracy.

I've done my part. I've gotten the word out about scit. Talk to your friends. You'll be surprised to find how many people are caught up in this Big Brother exercise. Someone, somewhere is sharing our thoughts. I don't know the benefit, but get the tin foil ready.

So what was Anton Beza doing today? Warning the world about scit.

The Day of Defeat

I awoke.

After that the usual shower and 3 hours of video games. Not simultaneously. Rather I took on these chores within the order they were addressed. I don't have the kind of technology to play video games in the shower, but if I could, I probably would. Showers are boring. I just look at myself naked. If I could shower and look through someone else's eyes while they take their shower, that would be cool. But I think less people would take showers then.

Around noon I decided to take Price Chopper up on their 8 for $10 Campbell's New England Clam Chowder deal. Turns out the sale was over. Defeat #1.

I got 4 cans anyway. Clam chowder is currently in the running to be my almeal. I just made up the word "almeal" now by combining the English word "all" with yet another English word "meal". The word itself isn't that interesting, but the concept it stands for is bone-shattering.

Imagine, if you can, a single food that meets the following criteria:

1. Fulfills all essential daily nutrients
2. Tastes great
3. Easy to cook
4. Inexpensive
5. Has taste stamina

Stamina is the key element. I don't like spending time on consumption. I see it as a chore. I want a single food that I can eat everyday, for every meal, and not get sick of it. That's where the term "almeal" comes in. One meal, for every meal, for every day: the almeal.

Most foods I've auditioned fulfill the top 4 criterion. For a few days I thought salmon and caper sandwiches would be perfect. Soon my palate started getting delirious from the monotony. "I think this is bad salmon" it would say. "Really?" I'd respond, "I just bought this yesterday". Eventually my palate won, I'm a pushover. After throwing out what was probably perfectly good salmon, I decided to take a break from the almeal quest for awhile.

But.

Today I decided to try New England Clam Chowder. At $1.99 a can I could have two meals a day for around $4. Which would mean I'd spend approximately $28 a week on food leaving me $72 in my food budget to drink myself into a coma. I got the 4 cans of the almeal candidate back to my apartment. Cooking was a breeze. Canned foods just need heat. I put the chowder in a pot, turned on the stove and in minutes I was swallowing chunks of potato and crunchy clams.

Turns out I don't really like New England Clam Chowder and now I have three cans left to devour. Defeat #2.

This is getting long, I'm getting tired of typing and I'm sure you're getting tired of reading. Defeat #3. So for all our sakes, let me sum up the day.

Got a free fish tank from my roommate Josh's dad. Went to buy a heater and a filter assuming the tank was 30 gallons. Turns out the tank is 15 gallons. So my roommate Hans and I bought the more expensive 30 gallon supplies for no reason. Defeat #4. Not only that, but the filter we got requires additional equipment. Our fish excitement limits our in-store reading capabilities. Defeat #5.

Then Hans and I lost our soccer game 3 to 5. Defeat #6.

So what was Anton Beza doing to day? Losing.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Today was actually a good day. I just picked a theme and went with it. Don't worry about me.